"Okay, let's get done with this and get you your car!"

I have always known that I am privileged. But recently I realised I have been much more than privileged for most of my life.

The only thing I have ever had to work for were my grades and my friends. Everything else, by the grace of god and with love from my family, has always been granted to me even without me asking for it. While growing up I don't remember ever wanting anything for an extended period of time. Most of the times, I have always had what I wanted before I wanted it or right after I decided I want it.

And I know this makes me look like a brat. But I wasn't a spoiled child. I just had all I needed and wanted but I was well-mannered, respectful and still had low self esteem. Then I grew up. I still did exactly what I wanted and got what I needed. I went to the US for work and studied in London and spent as and when I feel necessary to splurge. Spending for me wasn't on clothes and jewellery or parties and clubs. It was only on good food, travel, groceries and comfort.

So it wouldn't be wrong at all to say that I have led a very comfortable life. And I still do lead a very comfortable life. But marriage has changed a few things. While I can still buy anything off amazon, now there are more people to consult and discuss and comment on my spendings and shoppings. For someone who is not used to being specifically asked or even casually told about her spendings and her things, this change can be slightly irksome.

Since I was turning 30 years old last year, I have been wanting to buy myself a car. Now I definitely cannot afford a new automatic car which I want so I decided to go for a second hand Automatic Volkswagen Polo which would be in my budget.

In my old life, that is before marriage, wanting to buy a car would be a max 3-4 month process which would involve test driving a few cars, window shopping a little and then just buying one and probably a new one because whether I like to admit it or not, my parents would have paid for most of it and then I would pay them back slowly in the long run. This also has to do with the fact that my parents don't prefer second hand vehicles but if I would have convinced them, they would be okay with it eventually.

But with my husband's family and with him, things are different. Everything that requires money to be purchased and everything that I don't feel confident enough to buy on my own, requires a lot of persuading and reminding. The same happened with my car and that's why I am writing this piece today. And this isn't just the story of my car. Even when my husband wants to buy something for himself, he thinks a hundred times. Even when my Mother-in-law needs something, she has to go through the whole charade of asking her husband, convincing her son and then hoping they will get it for her.

After over 12 months of convincing my husband why I need to but a second hand car and having the same conversation at least a 100 times without any result, I finally decided to give up on wanting a car right now. I have started feeling that my wanting a car is wrong. I have been feeling that my desire to buy myself a car that is in my budget is incorrect, unneeded and bigger deal than I thought it would be. And right now I don't want to buy a car that somehow I have ended by feeling guilty about even wanting in the first place.

The last few months I tried all possible ways to convince my husband. And to be honest, I don't even understand why I had to convince him. He doesn't have to convince me if he wants to get anything. But because we are in a patriarchal household, there has to be a whole conversation about the car. Like about everything else.

I am not against discussions and sharing of opinions. A big financial decision ofcourse requires the entire family to be on board. But this wasn't a big financial decision. I wanted a car in my name when I am 30. It was suppose to be a second hand car. Something in my budget.

But I couldn't convince him. Every time we discussed it, it led to an argument which ended with him saying "Let's just buy your car right now and finish this drama. I am tired of this!"(all in a good "Indian husband" tone, if you know what I mean). For those who understand Hindi, he would end every conversation saying "Bas ab kal ke kal ye gaari laata hoon mein. Ek tanta khatam ho. Bahut hogaya naatak". Then he would spend minutes/hours on car dealer websites looking at cars and claiming we are going for test drives tomorrow and finalizing your car.

I am sorry but this was not a tanta and this was not a naatak. You, my husband, made it into a "naatak" because you couldn't come to terms with your wife wanting a car for herself. You wanted to think of which car would look good in your house, why not wait for an EV, why not get a 4 wheel, which car would look good if you would show your friends, which care could be your second car. But what happened to why not let my wife get what she wants. Or you could sit and explain to me why you thought my car choice was absolutely inappropriate and would be an irresponsible financial decision.

Now I have reached a place where I don't want a car anymore. Not at this point in time anyways. And when I do get a car in the future, I don't think I want to involve my husband or anybody else in that decision making process at all. Only when I will be able to afford a car on my own and I will be able to understand how to buy a car, then I will go buy a car. I don't want to buy a car when I have been left feeling guilty for wanting one.

If I do get a car, everyone in his house will claim "oh she was insisting on a car and so he got her one". But why did I have to insist. And why did he have to get me one, It wasn't an out of the world suggestion. It was a second hand car which as a family of 4 would definitely come to everyone's use. And it would have made me happy and left me feeling accomplished.

I understand it's not his fault. I know he likes to think things through. But that's not me. I can't take a year for every decision. I move on. I can't have the same fights over and over again. I can't continue to feel bad about the same thing for such a prolonged period of time.

No matter though. No more snide comments, taunts or talk about the car from my side atleast. I am writing this piece to get the car out of my system. Now I will get myself a car when I really want one, when I am ready for one, when I can can afford one and can confidently purchase one bymyself.

Just a later addition: The husband seems to have gotten his hands on this piece. And now he is in the room, talking to his mother (duh!) about getting a second hand car. So now he will emerge as a hero and I will have to praise him for a car that now I don't even want. Why are Indian men like this? Why do they take action when it's too late? Why do they have to involve their mothers in all decisions? I hope he reads this too and understands that i am not in the mind space for a car right now.