The perils of being an Indian Women in an Indian household

Let me be clear this is not a post about hardships that women face, because there is enough written about that and most of it is over-rated. This is also not a post comparing a woman's life to a man's because I don't think that warrants a comparison.

This is just a train of thought, and to be clear, my train of thought about how being an Indian women living in an Indian home brings unnecessary added pressure which should be avoidable and almost non-existent in today's time but it just isn't.

While most city women in India are now modern in the sense that they have jobs, most can wear what they want, most are doing what they choose, falling in love with who they want and getting married when they want. A typical middle class Indian girl with educated parents is given enough freedom in that sense.

At this point, let's not get into the nitty-gritty of how difficult it is to manoeuvre the social pressure and expectation of marriage, children, career and family because that is common across women around the world. And let's not forget, men have an equally challenging set of expectations ahead of themselves as well.

But one thing which is bothering me the most at this time is the added nonsense of familial responsibility on an Indian women with regards to her in-laws. No matter how well educated you or your parents or your partner is, there is a very high chance that if you are living in the same city or country, you might have to share the roof with your in-laws. This in today's day and age I feel is absolutely non-sensical. I am not saying you can't love them or have a happy relationship with your in-laws. You should want to spend time with them and meet them. After all they are responsable for who your partner is. But that doesn't change the truth.

And the truth is no one actually wants to stay together. The daughter-in-law definitely doesn't want to stay with the in-laws. And everyone knows that. The mother-in-law doesn't want to deal with all the hassle that comes with living with an in-law but is too brainwashed and under the jocasta spell to actually realise this. The father-in-law couldn't care less. And the husband basically just wants an easy way out with peace and stability and wouldn't care where he is living provided no one is yelling around him. Here. That's your typical Indian modern family.

But somehow, society has conditioned even us "modern" women to not be able to actually say outright without assuming that it will be disrespectful that this is not the life we chose for ourselves. We have given up.

The husband is obviously hog-washed and lives in lalaland where all is well or will be well or genuinely believes he has the power to make it better. The mother-in-law cannot diverge from society norms and the thought of being away from her son is enough to put her to depression, Or so she thinks.

These assumptions of what a happy Indian family constitutes then become the goal for every member which ultimately only leads to discord, bitterness and unhealthy relationships. The worst of it or so I think, you start losing respect for your partner's parents because now you are standing in opposition with them. Then of course, the bitterness that this brings to your married life and the toll it has on you to keep this sadness away from your happiness is another ordeal in itself.

When you can't imagine sharing a roof with your own parents after a certain age for an extended period of time, how can anyone be so delusional to assume you would be willing and happy to live with another set of parents who, let's be frank here, will never be your parents, plus your partner.

Living with a boy in itself has its challenges and to top it off, you want to add his over-loving parents to the mix? Why would you do this to your relationship?

Don't you miss sleeping naked under the sheets? Or walking to the kitchen in your underwear? Not worry about dinner one day? Or spontaneously leaving for a trip? Don't you want to build your own traditions with your husband without having to accommodate the comfort and willingness of his family? It's a lot to give up. Especially when you really don't see a return that you want or expect.

Women in other parts of the world, don't have to face this everyday struggle of sharing their home and their husband with another set of people. They don't have to feel this burden of failing at a task that they never wanted to do. They never have to pretend to integrate into another family and forgetting their own. I am acknowledging here that there are other real struggles that they face, but this particular struggle seems to only be a part of young Indian women.

Indian "modern" women today are struggling with this everyday. And if most are like me, they probably didn't know what they were getting into before falling head over heels in love. And by the time they realised it, it was too late. And they are still in love. But slowly the bitterness keeps increasing and the light of love starts trying harder and harder to stay and make a place for itself so that eventually it will all be worth it.

Also, I am not saying everyone is unhappy in this living arrangement. All I am asking that there be a choice. And to choose between love and loneliness is not fair for anyone to demand of you. You can't leave the person you fell in love with. But a choice of living arrangements that guarantee a genuine attempt at maintaining warm relationships with all your in-laws and living in a house that is truly yours, a space that is a sanctuary for your new family to grow and prosper should be acceptable in the least.