"Let me do this for you" - Said the MIL to the DIL

How many times have you daughter-in-laws completely refused your mother-in-laws to help you? I have. And many times at that. And I hope some of you out there have too. I definitely don't want to be alone in this sea.

So how many kinds of refusals are there:

- No it's okay. I will do that. (When you are actually saying - No thank you, I want to do it my way and I don't want your interference in it)

- No, it's okay. I will do it. (I genuinely want to do it myself.)

- No, it's okay. I will do it. (Well I actually really really want you to do it. But I don't think I can say that without sounding like an insolent child who has no manners - which by the way should have been inculcated by my birth parents.)

- No, it's okay. I will do it. (Well, you are old. And I think I should help you).

- No, it's okay. I will do it. (I really do want to do it for you)

Are there any more? I am sure there is one which also means that It's for my husband so I am going to do it for him. Keep your paws off Young Ma'am)

But how did we get here? Well, we married and we got here. I am sure there are MILs and DILs who love each other. I like mine and I respect her for who she is. I am almost sure she loves me more than I love her but I can never be certain of that now, can I?

The reason I started writing this is because, today my MIL had dinner at my place and I was cleaning up the kitchen and she comes in to keep her plate and says "I will just wash this myself". There were no other dishes in the sink. She repeated herself, "it's just one plate, let me just wash and keep it".

No matter how much I wanted to tell her "Yea sure, that would great". I couldn't. I couldn't even think that loud out in my head or deliberate about it when my mouth spoke the words "No it's okay, I will do it'.

I guess it was the years of watching indian television with my parents and seeing multiple real daughter-in-laws behave in their real in-laws houses from which I picked up the notion, that I shouldn't let them do any work and I should do everything for them BUT with a big IF - if I am standing around them or they are standing around me.

If she is out of line of sight, she could be cooking, cleaning, sweeping, folding, etc. and I wouldn't feel the urge to go ahead so, It's okay, I will do that for you.

I guess that is one of the reasons why I try to stay away from them - MIL and FIL. Because I fear that the more I am around them, the more I will have to do, and the more they get used to me doing and more trouble I will be in.

That's one line of thought. The other is simply, I don't want you to help me because I don't want to help you (more than I already am). And mind you, I really don't do too much at their house - I do try to cook, clean, sweep, wash, fold in my house. Just in case you thought I was just a lazy piece of ass.

So how do you get over this? How do you deal with this? How do you move past this in a way where you have a nice rhythm and responsibilities are just divided equally but also favourably.

Till now we are leaving 2 feet apart so it's still easier to, how do I put it nicely, not to be in each other's line of sight too frequently, but what happens when we are under the same roof. How will I stop my shameless self and become more genuinely caring? Or How will I push back the little traditional DIL inside me who is to afraid to say no or ask for help?

#perspective #outlook #newlife