The Unkindness of Love in Mumbai

I grew up in a family where utmost importance was given to the right way of doing things. Laws and regulations were always respected & obeyed whether they were enforced within the house or from the government. So whether we had to sleep at 9 PM every school night or not eat out on the streets during every Ramadan, we followed and practiced all that was asked of us. We were also blessed to grow up in a country where it was easy to follow the right way of doing things, the government didn’t give you the easy options, people working for the government didn’t find shortcuts, there were procedures and processes in place for everything and people did what was asked of them.

Then life changed. I grew up and fell in love. I fell in love with someone who lived in a country I hated. Perhaps even hate till now. In eight years of being with him I didn’t notice how the country had shaped his family. And even if I did, let’s just say I was blinded by love. Then I got married. So life changed again. I moved to Mumbai out of my own volition. Yes. I do regret it sometimes but then I say to myself “its for love”. That’s what all the movies teach us right?

As was expected, I started spending time with him and by extension, his family. Our differences became glaring. I ignored some. Some have probably transferred onto me. And I am still fighting some. The fact is that individual differences that relate to your likes, dislikes, your ways of completing tasks, your expectations, these you can argue with, fight and compromise with. What do you do when the collective family as a whole has ideologies that clash with your personal choices.

I am sure this is not a sign of a good “daughter-in-law” but who are we kidding? I never pretended to be a good one so I can tell you what is actually in my mind. My husband’s family decided to take a big step and make a legal decision on my behalf without consulting me. They assumed the decision wasn’t major. Their reasoning was that why would they do anything that isn’t good for me. They perpetuated wrong practices like they have been doing for so long, the only difference was that this included me.

And call me a loser, but I wasn’t bold enough to stop it. And what shamed me the most was that my husband, who I respect, who is from this century, who has seen how the world works, who has faced the repercussions of taking wrong steps simply to opt for the easier way, he didn’t stand by me. I also decided to take the short cut and follow his father’s footsteps. The first legal decision after our marriage, the first task that I asked him to help with because he has lived in this city for so long, because he knows people, he failed me. It hurts me to say this, but that day I lost respect for him. And yes, I love him. But I will probably never trust him with any of my work again. And I even blame myself for not doing this by myself, with the help of my parents, I blame myself for letting him do it his way and his way was just asking his parents to do it and not worrying about it.

Every time I see that piece of paper, yes it’s nothing but a piece of paper which to everyone in this country is insignificant, but it was meant to signify an event in my life. And they ruined it. And I can’t be upset with them. But I sure am disappointed with him.

I pray each day that I don’t make that mistake of assigning him to do something for me, I pray that I have enough motivation to get my things done my way, and I know I am going to do whatever I can to fix this and I know it may upset his parents but at the end of the day, it’s a paper that affects my life. And if I can bear the cost of it, I will want to set the record straight.

Also, at the end of the day, I understand that my husband was just working with the collective mentality of his folks which was derived from living in a country where everyone only tries to find the easier way out, to get things done faster rather than correctly, to cheat than to be honest, and this mentality which I didn’t see in him when I didn’t have to share major life decisions with him is now become a roadblock to my ideologies.

While it’s true I am angry, disappointed and bitter with them; with him; at the same time I am also full of self loathing because I didn’t buck up and do things my way. I relied on someone else and one thing that is certain now is that I will certainly not do that again. And I wasn’t bold enough to stand for the right thing, I let them walk all over me and set a wrong example. This, I promise will be the last time I let them do that.